DELIBERATE

Dear God,

I just want to say that I’m grateful for the little wins I’ve experienced in my life. The big wins are coming, I know it, I feel it. But while I’m waiting for them to come I’m eager to get my gear ready in preparation.

I don’t want to be caught unawares when it comes, so yes I am trusting the process, YOUR process. I’m ready to follow your path, let me walk with You.

I’m grateful for my data subscription which I finally did after some time, it might seem irrelevant but thank you. 

Four years ago, I made the decision to talk to you about every thing concerning me. I’ve always known You, accepted You and believed in You, but that day in 2014 when I was feeling so hurt, powerless and heartbroken, I sat on the floor of the bathroom and I cried, and I said ‘God please, I don’t want to experience any form of pain from anyone, anything, any circumstance, any where. If there is anyone in the future who is going to cause me any form of pain and disappointment, please find a way to take them out of my life, I never want to know them. Just please. I can’t handle it, I can’t, I’m tired, please I’m tired, I’m just tired’ I said repeatedly. 
And from then till now, you’ve kept our pact. My gist partner. From daily gossips about how I was disobedient to you to little whispers of ‘Come, this lecture won’t hold o’ to ‘God abeg you know I need clothes now, how far nah?’ 

You make a way when there is no way.

When I gave my life to you in 2012, I could hear whispers everytime in my ear, it was a daily conversation. I could be walking and smiling to myself just gisting with you, can you imagine you even told me things people would tell me even before they approach me. Which kain spy you be sef? 

But then I withdrew from You, I made excuses with school stress and irrelevancies. I spent more time thinking about my unproductivity instead of just talking with You. I broke our bond.

I’m not going to lie, I felt empty. I mean I know I love and fear You, You are my real G and at the same time my Father and also my Bro, but what’s with the emptiness? 

Please I want you back.

At some point, I started to Google ‘Must every Christian speak in tongues?’, because I thought somethinf was wrong with me, I couldn’t speak in tongues. I’ve tried-ish. I heard it would come naturally, like you’d just see your lips moving on its own.  I think the first time I almost spoke in tongues was at a music concert in school, I was scared. I felt I would sound weird, and my mind kept telling me ‘maybe it wasn’t real, you’re a  fake’. So I literally swallowed it in and just continue my worship.

But in November 2017, I finally did.

I wrote the date down, I told my parents, my sisters. I was so excited. You haven’t completely left me after all. You’re still with me. Nothing is wrong with me, I’m your masterpiece, you assured me of that

Every thing about me and my life is intentional and deliberate, not a coincidence. I am perfect and excellent, in you. It’s not fate, it’s your divine plan. Everything I need you have offered to me on a platter of gold and told me to have a seat at the table. You called me and said ‘You have earned a seat at the table just by existing’. 

My life and purpose have been perfected by You from the onset, I’m just living it all out. In prayers and supplication, I have made my requests known to you and everytime you giggle and remind me that I already have it. ‘Just thank me’, you s Lol. You’re such a cool dad. Trying to remind me of my manners.

For my family, friends, health, thank you. For the right connections which you’ve brought to me, thank you. For that my last 200 naira I gave that stranger that day and got back in 10 folds, thank you. For safe journeys during my random trips, Thank You. For finding shuttle early on time today, Thank You. I for miss Mr. Etus class today. For those random tweets for opportunities appearing on my Timeline, Thank You. For letting me be a source of encouragement to others, Thank You. And for helping me get over my occasional depression, Thank You. 

Thank You Dad, Thank you. I love you.

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I am…

On today’s episode of asking myself what my passion is, or my talent is. I mean like I go on social media, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter e.t.c and I see people engaging in various crafts and skills and are extremely good at it. It could be baking, or making clothes, photography, singing, music production, artist…just so many creative things, and it just hurts me. No in the I’m a hater way but in the, ‘What exactly is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?’

I’ve given my self so many excuses for not focusing on one thing. I start sowing, and due to my impatience, get frustrated, think I am never going to be a fashion creative that I’ve always wanted to be, then sulk away my frustrations. And that’s the end. 

‘What is your talent, Ugonna?’. You can bake, but you can’t bake, you can sow but you can’t sow, you can dance but you don’t dance, you can sketch clothes but you don’t that, you are good at so many things, so why aren’t you doing them or making some sort of living out of them?

In that moment, just one simple answer popped into my head and it was ‘Writing’.

You can write.

You can paint the picture that you see in your head to the readers to feel what you feel too and you’re so damn good at that, give yourself some credit. And even if you think you’re not as good as you want to be.

Writing is you, you are writing. You are one.

You’ve been expressing your feelings in words for more than 12 years of your life. You love this. It gives you comfort. When you felt all alone like the world was moving on without you, you found solace in your words.

When the first words your scribbled on your locker in secondary school were the lyrics to Gavin Degraw’s I don’t want to be, those lyrics spoke to you, you felt them and you wanted them in your memory, in your life forever.

When you wrote down poems, and short stories, and love letters to yourself and even those bits of romance composed in your head with no one to express that strong feeling of affection to, you did that with your words.

Those were the same words you wrote at the back of your examination paper explaining what art meant and felt to you, without even thinking of the fate of the examination that you just wrote.

Those same words you used to say good bye to your grandma even when you knew she wouldn’t be reading it. But you just wanted to let her know still, how much you missed her and the her soft palms, and what a world without her would feel like.

Your words are your power. You have the key to the world you desire. Like Ladi Kwali, you mould and shape and spin the life you want into existence but this time with your words. Your words can give life, peace, resurrect, grow, suffocate, intoxicate, over shadow, levitate, bind, heal, push, even as much as kill as much negativity as possible. Don’t neglect it. Don’t let it die. Don’t limit it, don’t put a time or a date to it. Let it glow.


Go be the star you know you should be. In your own words of comfort said in front of the mirror with inspiration from Issa Rae. ‘You are the shit!’


Love xx ❤❤

How To Sleep.

1. Tell everyone around you that you’re going to bed, if there is anyone, that is. Announce it so loud. ‘I’m going to bed soon!!!!!!!!!‘, keep saying it. Use it as an excuse for doing any errand such as, getting a glass of water for your mum or elder sister. Announce it this instant. Be woke.

*Evil Grin*

2. Do the finish touches with your phone: Say goodnight to your lovers and future lovers, best friends, haters. Check again if all your WhatAapp groups are muted to avoid waking up to 600 messages of crap. Set the alarm for the next day, to-do list, do it all.

3. Lie on the bed.

4. Close your eyes,

5. Pretend to sleep.

6. Pretend to dream, this time your imaginations are very useful. You can be anything. From Omari Hardwick to Donald Trump, Tyra Banks to Amber Rose. Oh, and by the way I love Omari, he is the absolute hottest. If I was hot enough, I would have stalked my way into his life and gotten married to him. Soulmate.

Yeah, this is the kind of dreams you need to have.

NEXT!!!!!!!!

7. Have you prayed? Shame on you, Sinner! scoffs

Judging you.

8. Pray.

9. Go back to pretending.

10. Goodnight.

Hope this isn’t you the next morning though.

 

 

Bet you thought this was some serious stuff, you see I’m embarking on this non-serious attitude/mood. I don’t know how that’s turning out, but I’m trying to just keep whining about things I never want to talk about and have someone to listen to me. Isn’t that the life? And hopefully I get to be ‘April Fooled’ next year. I’m still hurt guys, still hurt. Just so you know. (No one played a prank on me.)

I have missed your cute and beautiful, amazing selves on the blog. And finally putting out something today means everything to me so I thought hey, some humour wouldn’t hurt. Sorry, the gif’s aren’t much.

I love you all.

WHAT SONGS ARE YOU VIBING TO THIS WEEKEND?

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO IMFYlites, someone is excited at the moment and that happens to be..??? ME!!!.

The GIF above rightly describes my current mood, except that mine is happening all in my mind as I happen to be spending my weekend indoors, as always :). But there is good news though as I would be sharing my current jam which i have been feeling for the past two weeks which is highly unlike me, as I easily get tired of songs after a short while. Continue reading “WHAT SONGS ARE YOU VIBING TO THIS WEEKEND?”