It has been fourty days and fourty nights, but this time not praying on the mountain but that’s the time that has passed since you walked out of that door. And out of our lives.
It was a long drive on a rather often busy road polluted with traffic as Chemistry by Simi and Falz came on.
Do you feel the chemistry?…
Damn, those lines gave me feelings that i didn’t want want to fade off. And so I put it on repeat and let it replay over and over again. Like an anthem, a mantra, it was such a magical song as I let it lead me to an enclosed love vacuum or space. My thoughts travelled far into the first time we met. Someone described it as a natural meeting. No, not natural. But the other kind where it’s like love at first sight. Where eyes meet, hearts click, mind becomes restless, tongues lock.
Baby, maybe we can try to do this love something, maybe this is chemistry.
On today’s episode of asking myself what my passion is, or my talent is. I mean like I go on social media, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter e.t.c and I see people engaging in various crafts and skills and are extremely good at it. It could be baking, or making clothes, photography, singing, music production, artist…just so many creative things, and it just hurts me. No in the I’m a hater way but in the, ‘What exactly is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?’
I’ve given my self so many excuses for not focusing on one thing. I start sowing, and due to my impatience, get frustrated, think I am never going to be a fashion creative that I’ve always wanted to be, then sulk away my frustrations. And that’s the end.
‘What is your talent, Ugonna?’. You can bake, but you can’t bake, you can sow but you can’t sow, you can dance but you don’t dance, you can sketch clothes but you don’t that, you are good at so many things, so why aren’t you doing them or making some sort of living out of them?
In that moment, just one simple answer popped into my head and it was ‘Writing’.
You can write.
You can paint the picture that you see in your head to the readers to feel what you feel too and you’re so damn good at that, give yourself some credit. And even if you think you’re not as good as you want to be.
Writing is you, you are writing. You are one.
You’ve been expressing your feelings in words for more than 12 years of your life. You love this. It gives you comfort. When you felt all alone like the world was moving on without you, you found solace in your words.
When the first words your scribbled on your locker in secondary school were the lyrics to Gavin Degraw’s I don’t want to be, those lyrics spoke to you, you felt them and you wanted them in your memory, in your life forever.
When you wrote down poems, and short stories, and love letters to yourself and even those bits of romance composed in your head with no one to express that strong feeling of affection to, you did that with your words.
Those were the same words you wrote at the back of your examination paper explaining what art meant and felt to you, without even thinking of the fate of the examination that you just wrote.
Those same words you used to say good bye to your grandma even when you knew she wouldn’t be reading it. But you just wanted to let her know still, how much you missed her and the her soft palms, and what a world without her would feel like.
Your words are your power. You have the key to the world you desire. Like Ladi Kwali, you mould and shape and spin the life you want into existence but this time with your words. Your words can give life, peace, resurrect, grow, suffocate, intoxicate, over shadow, levitate, bind, heal, push, even as much as kill as much negativity as possible. Don’t neglect it. Don’t let it die. Don’t limit it, don’t put a time or a date to it. Let it glow.
Go be the star you know you should be. In your own words of comfort said in front of the mirror with inspiration from Issa Rae. ‘You are the shit!’
Couple of days back, I rounded up my 2nd semester exams which also marked the end of a session. A veeeryyyyy long session and year. We started a new session in December 2016 and with the way the school calender was set up for the year, a new session was to start around October. Eiish! I was so excited you guys.
But you know along the line, Nigeria happened. Yup. No, I’m not trying to portray a bad image of Nigeria but you know how it is: the inconsistency of the educational sector. Strikes which run into months, new reforms which were of no direct benefit to me. But regardless, we move.
So yay. I’m counting down to graduation year. Someone say ‘whoop, whoop’. 2 more years though. *Weeps in 5 years*
This was my best year so far, in a way. And that’s because I got to try out so many new things. So many. I made up my mind to improve my social life and have a good religious life too. As in, have a fellowship or church where I’m consistent in. You get? So below are some of the fun, weird, crazy, interesting, boring, chill, ‘not so fun’ things I got to do.
1. I moved to a new place. It has a white verandah/balcony. Pretty cozy and chill.
At this point, I was excited. Plot Twist.
2. Two months in and our power supply gets faulty. Haven’t said ‘up NEPA’ in 9 months. Village people wehdon!
3. I made the shortest braids in my life. It was about shoulder length. It made me feel very girly. Lmao.
4. I used pink lip liner as eye liner.
5. I had beautiful pictures of me taken. Fam, sometimes I didn’t even believe it was me when the picture came out. Thanks to my amazing G Paused Motions whom I’m going to miss very much.
6. I tried out natural hair for a couple of months. Lots of people loved it. But me in my element, got up one day and cut it. Reason: it became too hard and I don’t have the energy to mix concoction every morning.
7. I was a model scout for a day. One of my goals this year was to get into a very good modelling agency in Nigeria. That’s hasn’t happened yet. But I applied to be a scout for an agency. Scouted at the Owerri mall, my girls didn’t get accepted though. The end.
8. I perfected my sowing!!! I made a shorts, a dress, my confirmation cloth (Yes, I just did that), and an undergoing jumpsuit. This happened during the first strike we experienced.
9. Went for partiesssss. I’m exaggerating, just 3 though. Asides the ones which happened in my hostel. Lol. Wow. I was team ‘where the party at’ 1 out of 3 times partially the life of the party. Striked that off my list.
10. Walked from my hostel to Diamond bank. Alone. No, my leg didn’t break. Yes, it was fun.
Best part. *rings bell*
11. I became a member of the Protocol unit in my fellowship in school.
12. I found the peeeerrfffeccttt fellowship in school. After my long search that even reached Ynaija. Read here. Always amazing.
13. Fetched water from downstairs to my floor almost everyday. See torture.
14. Did road walk. Twice. First time I was alone. I had to stop because lectures resumed fully and I didn’t want to disappear.
THIS ONE IS WAWU.
15. Thought up a topic for my IT defense, and did research from the scratch. My presentation was also very cool, I invested all my nerves into remembering every word and delivered very well. I was very proud of myself. I got an A. I’m tempted to put ofcourse but then it’s all God’s grace. My topic was ‘Why does the blogosphere seem overcrowded?’
16. I travelled in the middle of the school section. I sincerely thought the lecturers would go on strike as their were rumours. I was kuku tired of education shaa, so I just took my bags one day and went to PHC. The rain that beat me and held my stranded at the park no be here. But it was worth it.
17. I missed so many class attendances, I became scared.
18. I did an advert for Tasty Flavours NG. Talkabout ‘God did that’.
19. Became a part of the TEDxFUTO team which is still under works. God willing. Amazing opportunity.
20. Co-founded Mundus Digital, a full service digital marketing agency located in Owerri which delivers services for brands, individuals and yeah you of course. It’s been an amzing journey so far. And of course, God did that.
There’s something about odd numbers. So I’m going to make it 21.
21. I slept a lot, a whole damn lot. A whole damn lot sometimes I don’t even realize where I am when I wake up. Jeez.
This is not all guys, there are so much more soon. Whatevs.
I love you guys as usual. You all are the bestest people in the world. Thank you for all the support, nice words, not giving up on me, checking up, encouragement. Trust me, this year I’ve felt like I couldn’t continue this blog anymore. Like what’s the use, but when I remember all your thoughts you guys, I know I have to. I’m making impact. God bless you all.
I love you again. I love you. For reals.
1. Tell everyone around you that you’re going to bed, if there is anyone, that is. Announce it so loud. ‘I’m going to bed soon!!!!!!!!!‘, keep saying it. Use it as an excuse for doing any errand such as, getting a glass of water for your mum or elder sister. Announce it this instant. Be woke.
2. Do the finish touches with your phone: Say goodnight to your lovers and future lovers, best friends, haters. Check again if all your WhatAapp groups are muted to avoid waking up to 600 messages of crap. Set the alarm for the next day, to-do list, do it all.
3. Lie on the bed.
4. Close your eyes,
5. Pretend to sleep.
6. Pretend to dream, this time your imaginations are very useful. You can be anything. From Omari Hardwick to Donald Trump, Tyra Banks to Amber Rose. Oh, and by the way I love Omari, he is the absolute hottest. If I was hot enough, I would have stalked my way into his life and gotten married to him. Soulmate.
Yeah, this is the kind of dreams you need to have.
7. Have you prayed? Shame on you, Sinner! scoffs
9. Go back to pretending.
Bet you thought this was some serious stuff, you see I’m embarking on this non-serious attitude/mood. I don’t know how that’s turning out, but I’m trying to just keep whining about things I never want to talk about and have someone to listen to me. Isn’t that the life? And hopefully I get to be ‘April Fooled’ next year. I’m still hurt guys, still hurt. Just so you know. (No one played a prank on me.)
I have missed your cute and beautiful, amazing selves on the blog. And finally putting out something today means everything to me so I thought hey, some humour wouldn’t hurt. Sorry, the gif’s aren’t much.
Believing a higher power for a miracle I know nothing about.
Having faith that there’s something bigger waiting for me that I am completely ignorant about.
‘Early nights’, late mornings trying not to cry myself to sleep. Back to sleep that is.
Almost as though I do not understand where I am in life, or with life.
Two decades in the next couple of months and I’m neither of the things I thought I’d be. Or where I thought I’d be.
Slowly, it is getting to me. Oh, it’s starting to hurt.
But then, there’s only one constant in my life.
When it seems like nothing makes sense.
When it seems like I’m in a black hole, not even a tunnel because at least with that there might be some hope.
When it seems like I’m stagnant, or my life is stagnant. And it feels like I can’t do nothing. Like I can’t achieve shit.
There’s only one person I can believe in. And that’s God. He is the constant. The actual plug of life. Literally the entire electrical set, all wires, cables, switch, the actual essence of life and living.
I know that after I haven’t written in a while, everyone expects some poetic stuff with super deep rhymes and stuff. But at this point, I don’t care.
At least I’m writing Again.
And I feel free, liberated. Happy. More hopeful. I’m choosing life. Again. Believing God. Always.
One day, as I was lying down in the early hours of the morning, listening to those sad songs and sobbing. My sister came into the room and said ‘Ugonna, we need to snap out of this’, How did she know what was going through my mind? So I wasn’t the only one. Continue reading “Ashes, And Dust (Final)”→